The problem is that I feel very lonely, and I want it to stop. Why do I feel this way and what should I do?

I did some thinking and I want to give a brief on what the real issue is, and reason my way into some actionable tips.

Exploring where the loneliness is coming from

The thing is I can see that I have good friends. But even that isn’t enough. Of course good friends are hard to come by. And you should put effort into finding them and maintaining that.

So I think I do though after all this time. I have friends from school in all manner and I do keep up. And I do genuinely care. But I still feel lonely.

Is it that I think my friends are insufficient? Because having good friends is a serious endeavour. And you should always treat that with real effort. But even so. Should you meet more people? I’m not sure ever if you’ll find perfect friends either. Perhaps what you demand is really of your partner or of life in general? Which is a very high bar.

So is this really just the loneliness of not having a partner? I think so now that it might be. It kinda makes sense. My designation would be most likely that it is this – loneliness from a lack of a good partner in life.

Lessons learnt though are that you need to be picky and truly choose who said partner is.

Because it’s a bad idea to fall blindly. And I think at least for me I have so many things I want to do, and I want to get out there.

Defining the problem

So what is my solution?

Because if i carry on by myself know I will still be unhappy.

And so I realise that its all of these things at once and all at the same time.

First, it is that about my community of friends. I don’t just need discrete groups, but I also need cohesive groups of good people to be with. And so far, it’s been working out that I have different groups for different needs. And I think I am ok with that. I do somewhat wish they were larger though. But this might just be an ongoing pursuit. Just as the environment changes, so must you rebuild and reshape the groups of people you know.

I note have always felt a wanderlust to go out there and explore. And I think that’s because I know that it’s hard to find good people.

But I also now realise that I cannot also go out and abandon the good people that I know. I mean I know that I can leave and go out. And most likely still have friends. But stability is in and of itself very important.

I know this from personal experience.

So I begin to see two tensions: first, the desire for the good companionships and in an integrated group, the second an immediate place and stability.

And different groups are like somewhere along the spectrum. I have some friends that are very good, but I don’t meet often. I have a group that is there and is good companionship. But still only in one aspect.

And then enter the relationship aspect again and I’m not sure why I feel this way. This mood of loneliness and melancholy.

Is this perhaps just a mood I am cursed with? Perhaps.

But if not, then let’s carry on.

I think that I begin to see that friendships are something I should continue with what I have, clearly. And the trick is realising and managing in such a way that it does not become mutually exclusive. It is not that friendships and stability are mutually exclusive.

Because I of course should still go out and meet people. So there’s that. It’s like dating but for friendships.

And I guess that’s what it is. There are many similarities at the end of the day.

Beginnings of a practical approach

So a policy for happiness begins to look like:

1. Hold on to the friends that are good, and put consistent effort into them because they are good things to have

2. But also put yourself out there to find both friends and potential partners, so that you may meet people. And perhaps a group, or not, or an individual. This part seems out of my control after. But at least I can see that it’s not mutually exclusive.

3. And to maintain strict control over quality and not fall into compromising your beliefs all this while.

Implicit in this is that the searching for a partner likely looks the same way. In that the first step still involves even acknowledging that this is what you want, and you should look out like that.

Personally, I think I should develop number 2. But I also always feel lonely despite I think a fair number of friendships I am discovering. What should I do about that? I guess not all friendships are the same too, and perhaps this is just life.

And I can go into the tactics for finding new people by placing myself in like interest areas. A portion of that works by being in the major that I am in.

And another portion of that is by the industry I aim to be in. but also in this video. Like in a very meta-view, I want to use the algorithm to find and develop a community of people like me in the first place. I want to find such ambitious, passionate, high achieving (as a by-product) and sensitive people. With ideas on so many things.

Just like with courtship, I realise that to find such people, I must improve myself to the extent that I want. And place myself out there.

So the answer is refined again:

1. Improve myself to my own standards and find the people I want to be with

2. And put me into communities out there. (Which is what I hope to somewhat do as well in this video, but also in real life.)

3. All the while committing and paying attention to who you have in real life already. (It’s important to remember this.)

And then what comes after with forming a group we’ll have to see. That’s a practical issue to solve in each case.

You can’t force it though. That’s something that I’ve realised.

And to go one level deeper: What are the actionables to putting myself out there?

Specifically, I think I can be:

1. Putting things online and engaging, perhaps with people’s work

2. Finding people to talk to and really giving a shit online

3. Finding people in real life school clubs and seeing if they give a shit or not.

a. I think the best case for this now is in my school major. Since they’re appropriately philosophical and practical. They have some rigour of thought. But perhaps some business sense needs to be found as well.

b. Which circles back to keep searching online and in real life either way.

Relations to finding a partner

What is my dream list of people to be friends with and or court from?

In general, I want to be with people who think a lot. But also execute and do. Either in art or culture. Or in businesses and finance and analytics. And in research even and politics. That’s what I want.

And then what is my dream with courtship? If among the same type of people.

Improving myself

Well just like how I need to put myself out there, that’s just step zero. The next step is actually being someone that is attractive.

As mentioned, you should probably bring something to the table as well. So whatever qualities it is that you want in someone else, you should have in you as well.

So this is very personal and not definitive, but what I think I should work on:

1. First, the aesthetics of my body

I think that working out is actually a really good things and something all people should do. I realise now that there’s really no excuse. Of course it’s somewhat like a status symbol but.

I like hot bodies, so I should get such a similar body.

2. Second, styling is also important

In that you want to look good. But you also want to be authentic. There’s no shame in caring about the clothes you wear – because its all just a form of expression.

3. Third, the serious pursuit of hobbies

In that a hobby should stay a hobby. But it should also be something you genuinely care for, and is something that is meaningful.

To explain, I am anti consumerism. I am anti hedonism. Such a life is not for me.

I can appreciate a good number of drinks. But that shouldn’t be all we do.

I like badminton. I like exercising. I like art and beauty, reading, ideas, and making formalised policy briefs about my interpersonal issues.

4. Fourth, to be passionate about ideas and the world

This means anyone who cares and isn’t a hypocrite. Just be forward looking in the first place.

There is no shame in passion. There is no fear to be had.

Life is about working for the things you want, because then it is so much more than just work.

Anything less and you get staid existences.

5. And lastly, to put myself out there

In some indirect way, I do think that I need to have a social media presence.

Not a personality or hoe driven one perhaps. One that is true to me. Which is what I envision with work as well.

The hit ratio is pretty damn low, and I need to intelligently use the tools at my disposal. This involves some of the dating profiles but honestly its exhausting.

And then just I think live a little more publicly the ideal life that you are leading. Instead of playing some other poor game of generic crap social media.

So: you get out what you put in.

That’s it so far.